Sounds harsh, eh? I know, I am feeling a little harsh. The Loser is me... And not because I "lost" a whole bunch of weight, or shed pounds, or dropped fat like crazy.... It's because I feel like a loser. I tried really hard last year to stay on track and lose weight and I 'lost' the fight to keep it off and stay motivated.
I know that so many people battle weight issues, but I hate the fact that I have to be one of them. I have friends who can eat and eat and eat and never gain a pound. Others who can work out casually, run once in a while and look totally fit all the time. Weight loss and management is a full time job for me! I did the best when I was working out in the mornings and the afternoons with no rest days in between and sticking, to a tee, to the Weight Watchers schedule, no teetering... But that is NOT sustainable... And I felt very alone when I was doing that. I didn't have much of a social life and I did not have a good relationship that I wanted to commit my time to. Now I do!
I lost 50lbs and have gained back 35lbs. And no, it's not muscle, it's fat... I am a fat girl, I seem to have always been a fat girl and it appears that I will always be a fat girl. I don't even want to be skinny, I would be happy being where I was last year, maybe with a bit more muscle, because I felt like I looked good, even if others didn't think so, I was happy in my skin. But I did want I didn't want to do, I got complacent and lazy and "satisfied" and it was a bad thing for me. I didn't do any of the events I wanted to do, I let me cardio go to shit, I developed issues with food again and here I am, New Years Eve 2013, hating how I look and feel. So yes, I am going to say, this year, I was a loser, who clearly did not live up to my own expectations or keep my own promises to myself. I let myself down and others around me down.... And although this year was a happy year, I am sad and disappointed that I have let me health slide.
What can I do? I can continue going to Crossfit five days a week.... I can continue with Weight Watchers and do as much clean eating / paleo as possible to ensure I am getting the purest form of nutrition possible... I can continue having green / dairy free smoothies for breakfast and lunch and a healthy dinner every day.... I can work on my cardio at the gym between work outs at Crossfit.... I can continue to track my eating, activity and successes.... I can try to stay positive and change how I look at food... I think these things are all possible, if I can improve my attitude and outlook. So, instead of making a resolution for this year, I'm just going to to the above items and maybe do a few runs and obstacle courses. I'm also going to get outside more, head back over to Sunnidale to do some trail running.... I actually enjoy trail running. I am going to try to use as many possible avenues to remain positive and inspired this year and continuously thrive in positive re-enforcement. Anyone who doubts the Crossfit movement clearly doesn't understand that aspect of it! The community / family spirit that comes with each workout acts as a very influence on you... Inspiring you to do more, to lift more, to do one more rep, to push harder and I can't even put a price on that now!
Finally, in 2014, I am going to stop allowing shitty people into my life! I got rid of one poisonous friend this year who is anything but missed and I vow to not let people like that in my life ever again. So, yeah, that is my one resolution. I am going to write a year in review next! Enjoy.
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