Sounds harsh, eh? I know, I am feeling a little harsh. The Loser is me... And not because I "lost" a whole bunch of weight, or shed pounds, or dropped fat like crazy.... It's because I feel like a loser. I tried really hard last year to stay on track and lose weight and I 'lost' the fight to keep it off and stay motivated.
I know that so many people battle weight issues, but I hate the fact that I have to be one of them. I have friends who can eat and eat and eat and never gain a pound. Others who can work out casually, run once in a while and look totally fit all the time. Weight loss and management is a full time job for me! I did the best when I was working out in the mornings and the afternoons with no rest days in between and sticking, to a tee, to the Weight Watchers schedule, no teetering... But that is NOT sustainable... And I felt very alone when I was doing that. I didn't have much of a social life and I did not have a good relationship that I wanted to commit my time to. Now I do!
I lost 50lbs and have gained back 35lbs. And no, it's not muscle, it's fat... I am a fat girl, I seem to have always been a fat girl and it appears that I will always be a fat girl. I don't even want to be skinny, I would be happy being where I was last year, maybe with a bit more muscle, because I felt like I looked good, even if others didn't think so, I was happy in my skin. But I did want I didn't want to do, I got complacent and lazy and "satisfied" and it was a bad thing for me. I didn't do any of the events I wanted to do, I let me cardio go to shit, I developed issues with food again and here I am, New Years Eve 2013, hating how I look and feel. So yes, I am going to say, this year, I was a loser, who clearly did not live up to my own expectations or keep my own promises to myself. I let myself down and others around me down.... And although this year was a happy year, I am sad and disappointed that I have let me health slide.
What can I do? I can continue going to Crossfit five days a week.... I can continue with Weight Watchers and do as much clean eating / paleo as possible to ensure I am getting the purest form of nutrition possible... I can continue having green / dairy free smoothies for breakfast and lunch and a healthy dinner every day.... I can work on my cardio at the gym between work outs at Crossfit.... I can continue to track my eating, activity and successes.... I can try to stay positive and change how I look at food... I think these things are all possible, if I can improve my attitude and outlook. So, instead of making a resolution for this year, I'm just going to to the above items and maybe do a few runs and obstacle courses. I'm also going to get outside more, head back over to Sunnidale to do some trail running.... I actually enjoy trail running. I am going to try to use as many possible avenues to remain positive and inspired this year and continuously thrive in positive re-enforcement. Anyone who doubts the Crossfit movement clearly doesn't understand that aspect of it! The community / family spirit that comes with each workout acts as a very influence on you... Inspiring you to do more, to lift more, to do one more rep, to push harder and I can't even put a price on that now!
Finally, in 2014, I am going to stop allowing shitty people into my life! I got rid of one poisonous friend this year who is anything but missed and I vow to not let people like that in my life ever again. So, yeah, that is my one resolution. I am going to write a year in review next! Enjoy.
Ashley - Challenge
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Sunday, December 15, 2013
282 Days Absent!
What was I thinking? Last time I blog, I say I am going to review my new gym, then NOTHING, literally nothing, for 9 months.
To any loyal fan I may have gotten in the 2 months of blogging that I did, I sincerely apologize for my absence. I confess, I have been bad! I have lost my motivation and I am finding it very, very difficult to keep up. Just like this blog, my gym attendance dropped significantly... I haven't been a total failure, but I haven't been great either. I completed a few events, so I will go over all of those.
First off, in May, I went to Vancouver for a week, the trip was AMAZING!!! Although not an official event, while I was there, my dearest former Guelph friends and I completed the Grouse Grind on Grouse mountain, rated amongst the 10 most dangerous hikes in the world. It was ridiculously difficult. 2,830 stairs to the top, 2.9 kms vertical, and as the air thins, breathing becomes so difficult. I honestly thought I was going to die a few times, but I managed to make it to the top. It took a few minutes over 2 hours and I'm pretty sure my far more fit friends were ready to kill me, but the view at the top was so worth it. There were bears and crazy birds at the top to look at and such, but wow, the view was amazing. It was May when we were up there, but at the top of the mountain, it was a crisp 10 degrees and there was still TONNES of snow. We took a gondola back down to the bottom, thank god, and I slept like you wouldn't believe that night, but it was a great experience.
On Canada Day, I took to the waterfront to complete the Canada Day 5K. I didn't do too bad, cut 10 minutes off my NYE 5K time. Completed in 37 minutes... I know that isn't great, but I am not a very good runner AT ALL so for me, it was an accomplishment.
Further to that, on the 20th of July, I completed the Warrior Dash for a second year in a row, well, just barely, this year it was far more difficult. They reversed the course and, not even kidding, a guy dropped dead within the first few hundred feet... However, he apparently had heart issues prior, but that just shows how much more difficult the race was, from start to finish.
So, those were the 3 of the 4 events I did complete this year, even though I had planned to do 6 or 7, it is ok I think. On August 11th, after realizing that I really need more guidence to pull myself out of the rut I got into, I started doing Crossfit. I don't go to a big expensive Crossfit gym, I do Crossfit with a small group of people who have a full Crossfit gym set up in their basement. I love it... Even though I suck. Crossfit it a lot of pull ups, push ups, sit ups, lifting, skipping, rowing and fast paced movements. I am good at most of the lifting, carrying around all this weight all my life has actually given me some muscle. Skipping, or double unders as they go in Crossfit, are tough for me... again, because I have higher body weight and gravity is a bitch, but I am getting better. Sit ups I do well at... Push ups and pull ups suck big time, but there are band assisted pull ups that are allowing me to build up some more strength and complete the exercises and Work outs (WOD's). The Crossfit group that I work out with is truly amazing. They motivate me, they support me and they are all so patient with me.... And I try my hardest to do the same for them. I really hate letting people down, so that is a positive motivator for me. I owe them soooo much!!
I find that I am finding some improvements in strength, but I am so discouraged lately as I have put on so much more weight. I haven't gained back everything... and I know some is muscle... but it is the wrong direction.
When I first started out with working out and Weight Watchers I was miserable, I hated myself, I was in a negative relationship and I had zero confidence. I worked my ass of and lost almost 50 lbs... I ended the relationship that brought me down... I gained independence... I built confidence... I learned to love myself and I felt sexy! I believe that the way I felt about myself and the fact that I began to put myself out there instead of hiding is the reason I met Jason, who is truly the love of my life. I am so happy and so comfortable. Yes, that is a good thing, but in the beginning, my need to want to impress and keep him interested kept me strong and motivated. But once I realized he genuinely loved me like no one ever has for who I am, not what I look like, I got too comfortable.... I stopped working out so much, I stopped tracking with Weight Watchers and going to meetings. I'm not blaming, but I know that I got complacent and, with that, I am vowing to change. I want to be Jason's motivation like I was before and I want my motivation to be feeling as I did about myself when we first met, sexy and confident, so I can enjoy our relationship the way I am supposed to so I don't disappoint him anymore.
That being said, I don't know if this is so much a Fitness Self-Challenge, but just a Personal Self-Challenge. The steps I am taking to fight back to where I was are as follows:
1. Keep blogging, I need to stay accountable and remind myself of why I'm doing this.
2. Track all my meals and food, attend my Weight Watchers meetings and follow the program.
3. Continue cutting grains and dairy. Replace bad stuff with fruit and veggies.
4. Crossfit 5 times per week: Sunday, Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Saturday.
5. Work on Cardio in the mornings. Attend Cardio classes to rebuild my metabolism
6. Stay Motivated. Remember why I am doing this. Learn to love myself again.
7. Get back into the few items of clothes that don't fit me anymore.... Normal sized clothing is so much cheaper!
No one is to blame for weight issues.... Maybe genetics... But mostly, we are all responsible for ourselves.
I own what I am, what I've done and what I have become. I want to be a better, fitter, healthy version of me, FOR ME and I start today. I am going to plan meals and exercise and motivation. Yes, it's a few days before Christmas, but I am using that as motivation to earn my Christmas treats.
Thank you if you read this. Please wish me luck. I promise I will be back soon (I think instead of daily, I am going to work toward weekly posts).
Remember...."obesity doesn't run in your family... The issue is that NO ONE runs is your family"!
To any loyal fan I may have gotten in the 2 months of blogging that I did, I sincerely apologize for my absence. I confess, I have been bad! I have lost my motivation and I am finding it very, very difficult to keep up. Just like this blog, my gym attendance dropped significantly... I haven't been a total failure, but I haven't been great either. I completed a few events, so I will go over all of those.
First off, in May, I went to Vancouver for a week, the trip was AMAZING!!! Although not an official event, while I was there, my dearest former Guelph friends and I completed the Grouse Grind on Grouse mountain, rated amongst the 10 most dangerous hikes in the world. It was ridiculously difficult. 2,830 stairs to the top, 2.9 kms vertical, and as the air thins, breathing becomes so difficult. I honestly thought I was going to die a few times, but I managed to make it to the top. It took a few minutes over 2 hours and I'm pretty sure my far more fit friends were ready to kill me, but the view at the top was so worth it. There were bears and crazy birds at the top to look at and such, but wow, the view was amazing. It was May when we were up there, but at the top of the mountain, it was a crisp 10 degrees and there was still TONNES of snow. We took a gondola back down to the bottom, thank god, and I slept like you wouldn't believe that night, but it was a great experience.
On Canada Day, I took to the waterfront to complete the Canada Day 5K. I didn't do too bad, cut 10 minutes off my NYE 5K time. Completed in 37 minutes... I know that isn't great, but I am not a very good runner AT ALL so for me, it was an accomplishment.
Further to that, on the 20th of July, I completed the Warrior Dash for a second year in a row, well, just barely, this year it was far more difficult. They reversed the course and, not even kidding, a guy dropped dead within the first few hundred feet... However, he apparently had heart issues prior, but that just shows how much more difficult the race was, from start to finish.
So, those were the 3 of the 4 events I did complete this year, even though I had planned to do 6 or 7, it is ok I think. On August 11th, after realizing that I really need more guidence to pull myself out of the rut I got into, I started doing Crossfit. I don't go to a big expensive Crossfit gym, I do Crossfit with a small group of people who have a full Crossfit gym set up in their basement. I love it... Even though I suck. Crossfit it a lot of pull ups, push ups, sit ups, lifting, skipping, rowing and fast paced movements. I am good at most of the lifting, carrying around all this weight all my life has actually given me some muscle. Skipping, or double unders as they go in Crossfit, are tough for me... again, because I have higher body weight and gravity is a bitch, but I am getting better. Sit ups I do well at... Push ups and pull ups suck big time, but there are band assisted pull ups that are allowing me to build up some more strength and complete the exercises and Work outs (WOD's). The Crossfit group that I work out with is truly amazing. They motivate me, they support me and they are all so patient with me.... And I try my hardest to do the same for them. I really hate letting people down, so that is a positive motivator for me. I owe them soooo much!!
I find that I am finding some improvements in strength, but I am so discouraged lately as I have put on so much more weight. I haven't gained back everything... and I know some is muscle... but it is the wrong direction.
When I first started out with working out and Weight Watchers I was miserable, I hated myself, I was in a negative relationship and I had zero confidence. I worked my ass of and lost almost 50 lbs... I ended the relationship that brought me down... I gained independence... I built confidence... I learned to love myself and I felt sexy! I believe that the way I felt about myself and the fact that I began to put myself out there instead of hiding is the reason I met Jason, who is truly the love of my life. I am so happy and so comfortable. Yes, that is a good thing, but in the beginning, my need to want to impress and keep him interested kept me strong and motivated. But once I realized he genuinely loved me like no one ever has for who I am, not what I look like, I got too comfortable.... I stopped working out so much, I stopped tracking with Weight Watchers and going to meetings. I'm not blaming, but I know that I got complacent and, with that, I am vowing to change. I want to be Jason's motivation like I was before and I want my motivation to be feeling as I did about myself when we first met, sexy and confident, so I can enjoy our relationship the way I am supposed to so I don't disappoint him anymore.
That being said, I don't know if this is so much a Fitness Self-Challenge, but just a Personal Self-Challenge. The steps I am taking to fight back to where I was are as follows:
1. Keep blogging, I need to stay accountable and remind myself of why I'm doing this.
2. Track all my meals and food, attend my Weight Watchers meetings and follow the program.
3. Continue cutting grains and dairy. Replace bad stuff with fruit and veggies.
4. Crossfit 5 times per week: Sunday, Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Saturday.
5. Work on Cardio in the mornings. Attend Cardio classes to rebuild my metabolism
6. Stay Motivated. Remember why I am doing this. Learn to love myself again.
7. Get back into the few items of clothes that don't fit me anymore.... Normal sized clothing is so much cheaper!
No one is to blame for weight issues.... Maybe genetics... But mostly, we are all responsible for ourselves.
I own what I am, what I've done and what I have become. I want to be a better, fitter, healthy version of me, FOR ME and I start today. I am going to plan meals and exercise and motivation. Yes, it's a few days before Christmas, but I am using that as motivation to earn my Christmas treats.
Thank you if you read this. Please wish me luck. I promise I will be back soon (I think instead of daily, I am going to work toward weekly posts).
Remember...."obesity doesn't run in your family... The issue is that NO ONE runs is your family"!
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)